Enough

After being on the mission field in the Czech Republic for 18 months, with only 9 to go, I'm looking ahead to what will be after I return to the States. I'm fairly settled (like 95% sure) that I'm going to go back home, and I've got these dreams floating around in my head. All of them involve abandoning my previous pursuit of science altogether to become a worker for the Church and for Christ. This is not me denying secular vocations the Christian, but rather being convinced that the desires of my heart and my passions are changing (have changed) from the pursuit of a secular vocation to a sacred one.

And I'm worrying, doubting myself, and asking all kinds of questions:

Will I be enough to get accepted into this or that program?
Will I impress the powers that be enough to get in?
Will I be good enough at it?
Will I be faithful enough?
Will I learn enough?
Will I work hard enough?
Will I be able to sacrifice myself enough for the service of others?
Will I be willing enough or strong enough to pursue this to the end?
Will I be "holy" enough to get a position after I've been trained?

I'm nothing. I'm not some kind of evangelism genius (if you'd met me, you'd know...). I'm not a particularly effective missionary. I'm not an inspiring teacher. I'm not great at caring for people. I'm more likely to be concerned about myself: my comfort, my reputation, my wants, my needs, my happiness, my, my, my, me, me, me. Ugh.

All of that is my sinful, old nature which I must daily drown in the waters of my baptism. I know this. Service which is pleasing to Christ is not done by the most genius evangelists, the most effective missionaries, the most inspiring teachers, the most caring people. The service rendered to Christ is done by one who can self-identify as a "chief of sinners" who recognizes that, though he or she is not enough, Christ is.

How can we possibly fail at service to Christ if we throw ourselves after Him with all that we as His redeemed people are, delighting to know that though all our deeds are like filthy rags, through His redemption, they are clean and white like snow.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
(2 Cor. 12:9-10)

May you and I be able to rest in our Lord, acknowledging, and boasting in our weaknesses as the Apostle Paul did, knowing that His power is made complete in them. We are not enough. We never will be. But He is enough, He always has been. And He is able to keep us faithful to the end.

Hymn of Comfort

Abide with me, fast falls the eventide.
The darkness deepens; Lord, with me abide.
When other helpers fail and comforts flee,
Help of the helpless, O abide with me.

I need Thy presence ev'ry passing hour;
What but Thy grace can foil the tempter's pow'r?
Who like Thyself my guide and stay can be?
Through cloud and sunshine, O abide with me.

Come not in terrors, as the King of kings,
But kind and good, with healing in Thy wings;
Tears for all woes, a heart for ev'ry plea.
Come, Friend of sinners, thus abide with me.

Swift to its close ebbs out life's little day;
Earth joys grow dim, its glories pass away;
Change and decay in all around I see;
O Thou who changest not, abide with me.

I fear no foe with Thee at hand to bless;
Ills have no weight and tears no bitterness.
Where is death's sting? Where, grave, they victory?
I triumph still if Thou abide with me!

Hold Thou Thy cross before my closing eyes;
Shine through the gloom, and point me to the skies.
Heav'n's morning breaks, and earth's vain shadows flee;
In life, in death, O Lord, abide with me.

For a Time such as This

I have heard a few wise pastors say that Christianity is about preparation for death, that the culmination of the Christian life is a Christian end. And so it is that Christians can approach a time like this with sadness lightened by hope, the load of grief lifted by God's promise, looking at our death through the lens of the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ.

This afternoon, Pastor Kadlubiec, one of the two pastors of my congregation in Trinec died. Two weeks ago, during one of the regular weekly meetings he had with the seniors from the church, he suffered a brain aneurysm. He'd been in the hospital ever since and made quite rapid improvement from the aneurysm, not even ending up with any paralysis. In the hospital, the doctors discovered an irregularity in his heartbeat, but that also seemed to have corrected itself during the course of his hospital stay.

Pastor Kadlubiec was slated to return home to Hutnik (the parish hall building where I also live) today. I have been told that he was here around noon today. After that, the details get a bit fuzzy for me. Around 1:00 I saw an ambulance from my window, but didn't know what to think of that, because a lot of hospital-related practices here are still a mystery to me. There wasn't any frenzied activity happening, and I hadn't heard any sirens, so I wasn't too concerned. At that time, I needed to go visit Sarka (Pastor Klus' wife) and on my way walked past the Kadlubiec's door. Some other people who work at the church were standing around the open door, and I asked if Pastor was home. One of them answered yes, but that the doctor was seeing him now. So, I put off saying "hi" and went to see Sarka. I returned to my apartment after half an hour, and about an hour later, my roommate knocked on the door and told me that Pastor had died. We were both so shocked because he was supposed to be healthy and coming home to stay.

Anyway, at this time, I still don't know the exact cause of death. His brain was supposed to be okay. His heart was supposed to be okay.

In my thoughts, and those of several of the church ladies I've spoken with, has been the inevitable "you never know when it'll happen." Pastor had just turned 60 in May. We have NO control over the two major events of our lives (birth and death), and very little control over many of the events that happen in between those two. Why do we think that we do? God only is the one who numbers the hairs on our heads and the years of our lives.

I've also been struck with the futility, stupidity of a lot of the things in life that we waste our precious time on (surprise-- not... I'm actually struck by this frequently). Death puts the value of Christ into stark relief against the "value" of other things: games, television, clothes, beauty, knowledge, money, happiness, and any other of the precious little idols that we set up.

I have the scene between Martha and Jesus in Bethany after Lazarus' death playing out in my head, but in the scene, I'm Martha.

Martha said to Jesus, "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died. But even now I know that whatever you ask from God, God will give you." Jesus said to her, "Your brother will rise again." Martha said to him, "I know that he will rise again in the resurrection on the last day." Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live, and everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die. Do you believe this?" She said to him, "Yes, Lord; I believe that you are the Christ, the Son of God, who is coming into the world." John 11:21-27

Unlike Martha, I suppose I wouldn't tell Jesus that He should have been here. I know that He was. But just like Martha, I know that whatever the Son asks from the Father, the Father will give Him and that my brother Pavel will rise again on the last day. Though Pr. Kadlubiec has died, he shall live, and though I die, so shall I too live again. You too, dear reader: believe and live in Christ Jesus, and never die.

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Please pray for Irena, Pastor's wife. Pray also for their four children, their spouses, and for the grandchildren. Keep this congregation and all of SCEAV in your prayers, as Pastor's death is a great loss to the whole Silesian Evangelical Church.

The Desires of a Heart

(Caution: the post to follow is a long, probably quite boring and possibly even able-to-be-interpreted-as narcissistic view into my ponderings about the future. Because we know nothing about the future except that the Lord's return is imminent, this post could be a waste of both your time and my energy. Consider yourself fairly warned.)

Trust in the LORD, and do good;
dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness.
Delight yourself in the LORD,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him, and he will act.
Psalm 37:3-5

I've been hoping and waiting for the Lord to put His desires into my heart, that I might do with my life what He would have me do. I suppose that coming from a Lutheran, that seems a little... odd. That's not exactly the way we talk about vocation. Even as I think it and type it, it feels strange, at though the next thing I'm going to say is that I've also been praying about what I should wear tomorrow. Okay, no. That's not what I mean.

The Lord lead me on this crazy journey into volunteer English teaching in the Czech Republic, lead me to be a missionary here. I should also clarify that by crazy, I only mean that 3 years ago, I probably had not a thought in my head about mission work, as far as actually doing it myself. I had no desire for that. I did not really think that it was the kind of thing that I could do. Not because I didn't (in pride) think that I was capable of it, but because I just didn't think that was the kind of thing that I was cut out for. I definitely was not (am still not...) "holy enough" to do it. Missions is the kind of thing that those other, syrupy sweet Christian girls-- one of which I decidedly am NOT-- do. It was something one had to be groomed for her whole life. Not me. I felt groomed for school, studying, teaching (wait a second... that's what I'm doing with a lot of my time...). In my mind's calculator, plugging in "Ashley" plus "missions" always returned "ERROR" or "undefined quantity" like dividing by zero.

Funny thing about God, though. He doesn't let a little thing like our silly notions about mission work or about our own innate capacity for doing His work get in the way of calling us to do what HE wants us to do.

Since I am planning for only another year in volunteer missions in the Czech Republic, I have been trying to figure out the answer to the "what next" question for some time. A year ago at this time I was toying with the idea of returning to entomology or possibly getting a M.S. in Biochemistry, possibly even going into some kind of medicine, but I had a growing interest in working for the Church rather than pursuing a secular vocation. I really can't see myself being personally fulfilled (or as being useful to others) in entomology, or in pretty much any other secular role. Weird. I never thought I would want to be a church worker.

At home this summer, I took a few days to visit Concordia Seminary in St. Louis and chat with the good men there about a possible future studying with them to pursue a career in Deaconess ministry. After speaking with them, and having an interview at the Nebraska District office for admittance into the program, I'm thinking that's still an option, but I feel like I know very little about the possibilities there (note to self: look up rostered, called deaconesses and ask questions about their work). I am really attracted to the idea of studying for a Masters degree in theology at CSL, but don't simply want the degree for the sake of having it.

At any rate, another of the ideas floating through my head for a while has been in the area of Bible translation. It's a bit of a surprise that it's become something that I'd want to even consider. When I was at the U, one of my best friends and her boyfriend were talking about joining Wycliffe after graduation and a wedding and becoming linguists. I thought they were crazy and couldn't understand why they wanted to do that. Now, as I look back, I'm saddened by the hardness of my heart at the time, and amazed that God has made such a change. And what a change.

I've been thinking and praying about the possibility of joining Lutheran Bible Translators for a while (okay, a handful of months) now. Last night before bed I hit up the LBT website. I read for about 45 minutes and just felt like I'd had the wind kicked out of me. In a good way. I seriously was so moved and in me a yearning to become a translator was so stirred that I felt nauseated in a good way (is that possible? If it is, that's what I felt). I couldn't believe it. Then my "it's bedtime now, go to bed" alarm went off (yes, I actually have a clock set in my room to go off at bedtime), and I hit the bed and pulled out my Treasury of Daily Prayer (highly recommended!). The overwhelming emotion (no, I know I'm a Lutheran and we don't operate on feelings, but this one was hard to ignore, and it wasn't something a Pepcid could cure...) didn't go away, but grew as I read the Psalm for the day, #46. It outlines the incredible majesty and power of our God, the mighty works He does and His unwavering sturdiness (the first verse of this psalm is remarkably, but not coincidentally, like the first line of the Reformer's most famous hymn), how because He is with us, we won't fear even the most terrifying disasters. Just incredible. So here's verse 10 which just stopped me in my tracks:

"Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!"

I guess another thing to know about my thinking in the last year is that I've been constantly brought to a screeching halt in my Bible reading when I come across God being exalted among the nations. I can be reading along and enjoying myself, but then every time I read any text which is directly speaking about God being known and worshiped by all the peoples of the world, it catches me like a snag. I had all of a sudden a mental image of our Good Shepherd, as I wander after my own ovine thoughts, catching me by the neck with His crook and saying "look at this and ponder on it my lamb."

I say all that in order to say that the Lord is giving me desires and massaging them into my heart, desires for a future in mission work, desires of working for the translation of the Bible into all the languages of man, that all people on earth would have access to His saving, life-giving, inspired Word. I am working on delighting myself in Him, but when He places before me such captivatingly beautiful gems of a future, it's no work at all to be utterly delighted.

Okay, enough stuff about me. Please pray that God will raise up His people throughout the earth who want to do the work of missions, of evangelism, of Bible translation, of unglamorous, behind the scenes work; for His cross to be proclaimed to all the world.

Flight OS94 to Vienna

I arrived safely back in Trinec on Sunday evening, September 13th. My flights back here weren't quite as eventful as my many, interesting flights home to Nebraska. I didn't even really get to talk to anyone on 3 of the 4. My seat 'buddy' on the trans-Atlantic flight ignored me for the first hour or so of the flight, which I have to admit that I was pretty bummed about. I was really hoping for as much excitement and Jesus talk on the way back to the field as I was blessed with on the way home. Once he finally started talking to me, he told me WAY more personal stuff about himself than I probably would ever have solicited. However, that led him to ask me about myself and what I do in Europe (bingo! just the question I look forward to). I asked about his church background, and he told me he was raised left-handed Catholic (which apparently is code for Episcopal... I was confused and thought he meant that they were just bad Catholics), but that he, in the course of growing up "learned better" and discovered the wisdom of Celtic religion and describes himself as a druid. Whoa.

I had no idea where that was going to lead us in conversation, so I just asked what that meant that he believes. He said you could also call it wicca (and I thought "oh boy... he's a witch..."). It turned out to be this kind of pantheistic kind of "life force in all things" kind of idea. He told me that it basically boils down to him being a tree hugger and probably one of the "greenest" people that I've ever met, thinking that care for the environment and leaving it better when he dies than when he was born (reminds me of so many school field trips with lunches in public parks... "pick up your trash kids!"). Interesting. I asked him why he cared if the world was a "better place" when he dies, why it matters for him to work to clean up the world. He couldn't give me a much better answer than something about it being the right thing to do, or doing it for his grandkids. Oh.

I told him that God certainly does want us to take care of the earth, that when He created Adam and Eve and put them in the Garden, that He told them to care for the plants, to cultivate the garden. I also told him, however, that I would like to leave the world a "better" place when I leave it than when I came, but I can't. Everything I do, everything I touch, every relationship I enter and person I interact with I mess up. I break stuff, no matter how hard I try to do the right thing.

He said that that was a pretty pessimistic view for a Christian to have of things.

I told him that that was pessimistic, but that it was only the first half of the story. I said that God created me and him, loves both of us, but He's holy too, and all of that "messing up" in our lives is called sin (remember he'd told me a LOT about himself already) and banishes us from God's holy presence or utterly destroys us if we try to be in His presence. That's the pessimistic first half. But the optimistic second half is that Christ Jesus, God's Son, was sent into this world to live perfectly, leaving the place truly better at His death.

Now, that's a tree worth hugging!

Jesus died without deserving it, willingly, to take our punishment, our banishment, our destruction so we could be with God. I also told him that when Jesus returns at the end of time, He will restore all of creation to perfection, all people and all of nature. My friend really perked up at that point.

Until I finished telling him all this, he simply stared into the middle distance and listened hard. I could tell that that the wheels in his head were turning. He had the same look on his face as my Slovak and Jehovah's Witness acquaintances had had on the opposite direction flight just a month before.

It just so happened that we both had VERY long layovers in Vienna and were both planning on going into the city. It also just so happened (to my single, vulnerable, and alone young lady's dismay) that we managed to be heading for the train to the city at the same time. So, I was "stuck" wandering around Vienna with him for about 6 hours. The wandering also gave me more chance to speak with him about Christ and to give him an apparently much needed listening ear.

Praise God for the blessing of those many hours with my new friend, for the opportunity for me to tell him about Christ, for the opportunity for him to hear the Truth!

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Please pray for "Rob", that the Holy Spirit will pursue him tenaciously, not ceasing in his pursuit until He catches another child for our blessed Father in heaven, loosing him from his bondage to sin and death, and freeing another worshiper for our blessed Jesus Christ, a worker for the Kingdom of our God.

Kyrie eleison!

Children's English and Dorost Camp

The final week of July-- the 27th through the 31st-- was my final English camp for the summer. During this week, a few women from the church in Trinec, a few American volunteers, some Czech youth volunteers and I worked together to do an English day camp for children at the parish hall of our church. For 5 days, from 9 to 3, we basically had a VBS in English for the Czech kids, ages 7 to 12. Some of the children were from our church, but a lot of them were from non-Christian families who have a strong desire for their children to know English. Our activities included singing, story time, Bible story time, snacks, crafts, 2 English lessons, lunch, and outdoor sports everyday. We used last summer's CPH VBS materials (the leftovers from my home congregation), and so our theme was all about friendship, what kind of friend Jesus is for us, and how we can be good friends for others because of Jesus' friendship for us. My favorite part of the day was working with my students to learn their Bible memory verses every day.

For me, the greatest blessing of the week was getting to know one of the women on the American team. The American team was composed of three people, two were my World Mission field coordinators, David and Radka Fiala. The third was a dear Mrs. Carlton from Michigan, the widow of an LCMS pastor who has an extensive background in overseas missions and who has spent the majority of her summer in Poland and the Czech Republic, serving her neighbor in Jesus' name at English camps and laboring for Habitat for Humanity in Poland. This woman was such an encouragement and blessing to me in so many ways, and her love for her Lord and the people He died to save was inspiring.

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Bright and early on Saturday morning after the Children's English camp ended, I was on the road to go to a 7 day youth camp with the youth group from the Trinec congregation. About 5 adults, 25 youth, and I went to a sort of retreat center just outside of the village of Čim, which is about 50 km south of Prague. The area was surrounded by woods and hills, with a creek flowing through the camp's grounds to a nearby lake. We spent the week hiking, swimming, boating, and running around after dark playing games in the woods. We also spent part of one morning rolling down a hill in our sleeping bags and playing other great sleeping bag games. Two times a day we met in small groups for discussion of our daily topics, Bible reading, and prayer. In the evenings, we had a speaker each night to teach us from Scripture something related to our camp theme.

The theme was "Two Ways" and we talked about this in two contexts, the first, the difference between the Two Ways that people live, with and without faith in Christ. The second context was in decision making in the Christian life and what kinds of things in our lives we often struggle with that can either draw us nearer to Christ or draw us away from Him. The topics included laziness, peer pressure, loneliness and fear, among others.

The week was a great time for me to get know the youth better and make great friends of a few of the girls [younger sisters, at their request :) ]. It was also a good chance for me to deepen my friendship with some of the teen leaders of the youth, as well as expand my Czech vocabulary. It was also a very fun, relaxing week, a good one for my last week in the country before a month-long vacation at home in the States.

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Please pray:
-for the kids who learned about Jesus' life, death, resurrection, and promised return for the first time during the children's English camp: pray that the Holy Spirit will grow the seed of the Word which was planted in them during the camp, giving them faith in Christ and salvation in His name
-for the youth group: that these young people will continue in their faith, growing and following Christ, not being distracted or discouraged from the Lord by the things of this world. Pray that the young men will grow up to be strong men of faith, understanding what it means to be a man of God, spreading the Gospel to those all around them, growing to be leaders in the Church. Pray for the girls, that they will grow up in their faith, finding joy in the Lord and strength from Him, and learning who they are as women in Christ.

Xcamp

Xcamp was from July 18 to the 25th. It is a huge youth gathering organized by people from my church here, SCEAV. It is a big tent, week-long evangelism meeting. The teenagers stay over night and have small group discussion/Bible studies, attend fun workshops and seminars on different Christian topics in the mornings. In the afternoons adults (and young people not staying on-site) come to hear the evangelist speak, to sing, to have supper, and then attend a concert in the evening.

Xcamp by night.
The teens slept in the tents in the background.
All the meetings happened in the big tent on the right.

This year was my second year at the camp, and I have to say it was far superior to last year. This year I wasn't lonely because I'd spent the whole year getting to know people who were at the camp. It was a lot easier for me this year, because my Czech has really improved, so I wasn't lost all the time. The evangelist was an American, too, so that didn't hurt, to be listening in English (and also paying close attention to the translation, too).

Xcamp by day.

This year was wonderful for meeting new friends, and I was especially blessed to have some pretty extensive, deep, hard conversations with some non-Christians. The most memorable was talking with a young man who'd been invited to the camp by one of our mutual friends. We spent a very long time talking about God, what kind of a being He is. My new friend, R., is the most honest non-Christian I've ever met. He knows and believes that God exists, that He sent His Son to die for the sins of the world, but for him none of that matters because he hates God. That's right, those are his words. He admitted it. It's important to note that most people who hate God (i.e. everyone who hasn't been given the gift of faith in Christ Jesus-- the Bible describes all of us before faith as God's enemies) won't come right out and say it. They'll say they don't believe He exists, that He's just a fairytale. Or they'll say that they don't know. Or they'll say that they hope that they are well behaved enough to get into heaven, even if it probably doesn't exist (figure out THAT logic...).

No, R. is honest. He knows God exists. He also knows that because of his own rebellion against God, he deserves hell. He kicks against this, it chafes on him, because he knows that there are only two options: believe, trust and worship God or go to hell. He doesn't want either one. He says, "It's not fair. God didn't ask me if I wanted to be created, and now I have to love Him or suffer." He says that God is evil because in spite of the fact that He knew before creating the world that there would be sin and that His creatures would not believe Him, that they would go to hell, He still created them. And He still created them with the possibility of sin. "Why didn't God just create everyone in heaven with no sin to begin with?"

As you can imagine, it was a very long, very difficult conversation to explain to someone who hates God, who thinks Him evil, that He's really good, that He defines good. And how to explain the "WHY" questions: Why did God still do it? Why is there evil? Why did He create ME, knowing that I wouldn't want to exist? I had my work more than cut out for me. My concern for R. and that God would shower His grace on him, snatch him out of his sin and rebellion and hatred for God, has been hard on my heart in prayer. It pains me that someone can confess that my God is but so COMPLETELY miss who He is and what He has done, the nature of His altogether lovely and irresistible wonder, goodness, and holiness.

*Interesting note that God's nature is so hidden from and unknown to R. This year's Xcamp theme was "K neznámému Bohu" or "to an unknown God," from Paul's visit to Athens in the Acts of the Apostles. We spent the whole week talking about God's various attributes...

I had another conversation with a girl, B., who sort of grew up in the church, but now she doesn't think she really needs "that kind of thing." She was at the camp because she had been visiting her grandmother, attended church with her, was caught by the kids in the youth group and insistingly invited to come.

Of course I had a number of talks with fellow believers which were of untold encouragement, conversations which magnified Christ's goodness and glory, the wonder of His atoning death. In short, it was a great week and I'm looking forward to attending the camp again next summer!

My Xcamp group
Ashley Angerman (center, in white), the other LCMS missionary in the Czech Republic, and I led it together.
The photographer wasn't concerned with making us look good...

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Please please PLEASE pray for R. and for all other people like him who are at such all out enmity against God. Pray that God would make His own glory great by conquering such a rebellious heart and making him to be a worshiper of Jesus Christ. If the Lord can save a sinner like me, He can surely do the little thing of rescuing R. from his sin and rebellion! May the Lord open R.'s eyes to His own infinite mercy, goodness, and love to him through Jesus Christ and give him joy in living eternal life before the throne of the Almighty!

Please also pray for B. that she will see her need for the Lord and believe that Jesus has died for her sins, to make her His own and to be her treasure.